On this Fourth of July, I am sentimental as my mind is in the retrospective mode. Last year when I was in grad school learning how to become a sustainable development leader, I was introduced to a debriefing process called After Action Review (AAR). It was originally developed by the U.S. Army for analyzing what happened, why it happened, and how it can be done better. I found AAR very helpful in our teamwork last year. So almost every time after my cohort classmates and I completed a team project, we did AAR to review our learning progress and share lessons learned.
This Independence Day also marks six months of my job search. I’m grateful that my resume has caught the attention to quite a few traditional institutions, ranging from government agencies, think tanks, NGOs and media outlets. Thank you for picking up some key messages in my resume and op-ed writings and for adding them to your latest job postings as well as strategic planning. This is a surprise to me because I told myself every time after I submitted my application that it would be like my submission to literary journals and agents. Don’t get high hopes because my application will be in the slush pile of others. It is true that what are the odds for a Chinese American—not to mention I’m not an ABC—to get accepted by a non-Asian employer or a publisher?
I remember fondly when I was studying creative writing in Pittsburgh, I frequented a Chinese restaurant ran by a Chinese American family. I saw European-looking servers in that restaurant and I was delighted. To a Chinese person, it was noticeable that a blondie was taking my order of Kung Pao Chicken and Chow Mein with beef; and my glass was often fully filled with ice water by an African American man in his early twenties. When I spoke Chinese to him, he was happy to practice speaking with me in my native language.
These days I feel nervous about speaking up on issues that matter to every American and even to every global citizen. That should not be the atmosphere in this country in which some controversial comments that one makes become a needle to others’ ears. We seem to yearn for compliments more than constructive second opinions. We seem to lose patience for others to finish a sentence. We seem to forget many historical events in different cultures share a similar outcome that human beings can be separated and even fight against one another as a result of miscommunication wrapped up in emotions.
I am still learning about my country. But in 2021 I am more confused than certain if my Chineseness can do me any good in this country. I am at the crossroad of my career in hope that the harmonic scene I saw in that Chinese restaurant in Pittsburgh a decade ago would happen to me in my career. I’ve learned a phrase from my American family these days. It’s okay that we agree to disagree. During my job search, I’ve learned to keep calm and be patient with my potential employers who may not agree with me. I told myself that I had done my best to introduce myself with sincerity and professionalism. The rest of decision making will be made by my destiny and the employer. As Aristotle said, “Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.” A Chinese idiom shares a similar meaning. 苦盡甘來, pronounced “kǔ jìn gān lái” in Mandarin, literally meaning “bitterness finishes, sweetness begins.” I think this idiom is apt for anyone that is adjusting to change during the pandemic.
If you cherish your ancestors who took a leap of faith to come to this country, you’d be easier to put into my shoes to understand that the first-generation immigrants are usually more passionate about the unity of our country, and are more vulnerable to discrimination. How can I be silent if I can speak English and write it like my mother tongue? I will keep on doing my AAR until I know how it can be done better in my sustainability advocacy and job search. I am grateful to celebrate this Fourth of July with my visiting family member under the same roof.
The Predicament of My Chineseness By Karen Zhang | July 2021 I came to this country alone With my high hopes for a place that I can call home No one is curious about me until I recently spoke With indignation for the poor and the underdogs. Home, sweet home. Alas, My new home is wrecked by The stereotype of a Chinese woman projected By some non-Asian Americans. I left a country that gave birth to me That I had no control of where my first home was. An outbreak of infectious disease has Shaken me up like a slap on my face On one side of the Pacific, I am labeled as the foreign influences On the other side of the Pacific, I am scrutinized by potential employers because of my Chineseness. You are fortunate to read me on the page In your mother tongue English. Chinese people are not as fortunate as you That very few native English speakers write Chinese The way I do in English. I am eager to become your friend instead Of your foe I am passionate about building communication Bridges between the English world and China. Can you imagine how your non-English speaking Ancestors making a living on this land that We all call motherland? Can you distinguish the nuances between your English Pronunciation and your great great great Grandparents’? You are fortunate to read me on the page In your mother tongue English. I speak English before I set foot on this land My writing in English is good enough that You can follow me this far. The pandemic has taught me to Forgive but not to forget Forgive those who misunderstand me That I am a Chink who spreads disease Forgive those who target me as a threat To their high positions of power and masculinity. Forgive those who suspect me Out of my Chineseness. But I will remember hard lessons from history That anger and fear are unique to mankind I will remember role models like Nelson Mandela and Secretary Madeleine Albright Who taught me perseverance and peace I will remember what my late Chinese parents Have bestowed on me to respect others from the bottom of my heart. You are fortunate to read me on the page In your mother tongue English. We need trust building as much as Peacemaking now more than ever Forgive me if I tell the truth that hurts Forgive me if my words have discomforted you Real friends tell you the ugly truth not Pretty lies. I am eager to become your friend instead Of your foe Can you imagine how it would be felt to tell me the truth in Chinese? Can you believe that we are Americans by nationality But we might look very differently? I am not a malicious "foreign influence" to either Influential countries that embrace prosperity for people and the planet. I am not an irresponsible global citizen Of my only home called the Planet Earth. I am not a member of the silent majority In my literary world. I am not a bystander to witness the severe loss Of biodiversity and linguistic diversity Who am I? You might ask. I celebrate my Chineseness as proudly as Your ancestors whom I respect and Whom observed their traditions before and after Their arrival to this land named The United States of America. Do not tease me that your job advertisement says To embrace diversity and inclusion But I only see homogeneous culture in your Zoom meetings and recruitment process. Do not change your job description to get my attention While you prefer free ideas from an anxious immigrant. Do not not to believe that you are part of Our world of diversity and inclusion. Do not shut your door to the beautiful world Outside that is made up of Various identities, languages, ideas and an Universal melody of unconditional love and compassion. We may have a generation gap about sustainability We can overcome it We may have a knowledge gap about sustainability We can talk over tea We may have a language barrier to fully Understand climate change I am here to learn from you if only You show me the way to serve our One and only home— The Planet Earth. I came to this country alone With my high hopes for a place that I can call home I was born on this planet with diverse Flora and fauna predated my birth. I left a country that may be stubborn now But dialogues will certainly help Humility is the true key to success. My Chineseness embraces humility and Humility is in my DNA. You are fortunate because if you will, I can be your walking stick like that for the blind To show you a world that you feel strange But as friendly as you have never imagined. You are fortunate because you can read me on the page in your mother tongue English. Don’t be afraid, my friend. Don’t be afraid, to myself. Honesty is the best policy. If I have offended you because of my Chineseness I just want to say— I am harmless. If I have provoked you because of my nationality I just want to say— Not every American is a bully.